hello when i’m crashing

Sometimes I like to just lay in bed at night with my headphones on and listen to music in my head in the darkness. It’s about as close to meditation as I get these days. Its very centering. I have some very pretty music downloaded right now, and I’m happy to just listen to it and relax.

I’m working through the 30 day song challenge right now. Going to jump on the facebook bandwagon and do it but i’m thinking of posting the whole list of 30 here just in case i get off track on the daily posting :)

I want to go to bed but the County Fair is here. Being that our house is adjacent to the fairgrounds, there is a giant carnival full of happy screaming nor cal people on a friday night, I cannot fall asleep yet. My head is too full right now anyway.

I’m 50% registered for Butte in the fall. I hate that when I transferred all these new prerequisites popped up and now I have to take a whole semester extra of crap I wouldn’t need at Shasta. Meh. On the upside, I get an associates degree in my field of study rather than a lame ol’ general education AA and CSU transfer. Plus, I am taking an intro to athletic training and sports medicine class this fall and I am UBER EXCITED about it. This is step one in my career path. Finally a class that directly applies to my future career, whee! Also on the books is US Government (yawn) and I’m waitlisted for two – Health and Wellness and Intercultural Communication. I NEED a ton of science classes but here they require these damn intro courses and everything is full and waitlist is full, UGH. I am set to need 3 semesters of science, taking 3 science classes each semester OMG. This is going to be one hell of a ride! And this is just community college! 3 chemistry, human bio, anatomy, physiology, and 2 physics classes :P Plus I have to now take trigonometry before I can get into physics. Good thing I love math and fucking rock at it ;) Add statistics and an ethnic arts class and then I’m done with community college, lol. 4 more semesters, woot. Yeah…

The kiddos are great, my garden is growing, cats are happy, best friend is starting a new chapter of her life, husband is best candidate for a great promotion to a better department (that hopefully they’ll offer him this upcoming week). I feel like the world is spectacularly beautiful around me and yet I feel like something is missing. I think i have the opposite of cabin fever, where I am hardly home and maybe I just am not feeling grounded enough. Maybe I don’t feel like this house is my home yet…

Elliott has 14 days of school left. Then my first born baby will be done with kindergarten. I can’t believe how amazing he is turning out to be, the miracle of creating life and nurturing it just makes me want to cry. Elliott and Charlie are my greatest accomplishments. I may not be anything special the the rest of the world, but the fact that I make a difference in their world is the only thing that matters to me. 14 more days and I get to stay home for the summer. We are going to eat fresh from our garden, maybe put up a swimming pool, get a dog, and have a ton of fun in our new house. I can’t wait for our vacation!

I was really into The Cure and Matchbox 20 (Push was a big radio hit, maybe they came out right around then?). I spent a ton of time at my friend Caitlyn’s house – she lived in my neighborhood, which was unusual for me to have school pals within walking distance because I lived closer to CHS than my own high school. She was pretty close friends with one of my bff’s Dee. We’d drink Fast Lane tea, listen to the radio and stay up all night. Even Caitlyn’s younger bro and his friend Brian (?) would hang with us girls. There were a lot of Yo Momma joke-offs (um contests, see who could outdo the other), star gazing, and late night silliness. I don’t remember ever sleeping there, but I could walk up Cape Cod about 6 streets and cut over and be at my house in less than 10 mins, to sleep in my own bed.

I fell in love with a girl that summer. I had kind of always known I felt more for Dee. I also had my heart broken that summer. Then my mom and her husband split and we got kicked out with about a week to move, from our nice little house into a tiny apartment which was luckily a 5 min walk to school. I shaved my head except for 6 long braidable pieces, bleached my hair and made each braid a different color of the rainbow. I definitely went through a transformation. I realized that I was not gay, or even bisexual but just capable of falling for someone who jived with me as a kindred spirit. I still feel that way. I think love just finds you when it’s right. I have fallen in love with a small handful of people in my life, and every one has been significant and means a lot to me still. It definitely has not been easy. Falling in love with someone of the same sex, someone who hurts you and themselves ultimately, someone who wants to be with you but doesn’t because of age difference, someone who you can’t be with because of relationship barriers, someone who is far away. Been there done all that. There has been so much heartache involved, and as much as I love and hate those feelings, I still tend to immerse myself in memories and replay those parts of my life. It is just who I am. I really get involved in relationships or every sort, even if it seems like I am distant. I’m not perfect. I wish I could stay in touch with everyone, but if you don’t make the effort I can’t carry us both.

[and by "you" I'm not directing at you good readers. Or reader. Hi Zoe, lol. I'm guessing no one but you follow me anymore. THAT'S CUZ SHE IS MY HETERO LIFE MATE OR SOMETHING, PEOPLE! Yeah, bffs represent!]

What was I saying?

Oh, thats right. So I got on the subject of summer before junior year with Zoe earlier, and it completely got me thinking this direction instead of whatever I was planning on saying tonight. I am fried. My extra curricular activities have been draining me.

Did a lot of work in the back and front yard today. I have been enjoying spring break. This is my life now. I don’t spend my vacation time being social with my friends, staying up late and talking, wandering around quiet neighborhoods under the stars. I hang out at home, enjoying my garden in progress, watching cartoons with my kids (tonight was Coraline in 3D), and having a delicious home cooked meal.  Then I blog about it, heh. Then I go to bed well before midnight, and wake up by 7 the next morning.

I am officially having no visitors this Easter break. I am officially not setting my alarm clock. I am officially not driving ANYWHERE unless it is of dire importance after tomorrow – since Saturdays are visit Nana for lunch day, until following Saturday. I am officially exhausted and in need of me time, house cleaning time, and unpacking/organizing project time. Being away from home 6 days a week is killer. After summer is over I’m going back to school to finish up the associate’s degree so I can move on to CSU Cheeeeeeco and earn that BS (lol). I miss being in school and it’s only been 4 months :) I liked having the adult conversation. I met two stellar gals last semester – Cher and Marsia and now we are fb friends, despite my moving away. Marsia was accepted into Chico so I may run into her in the future IF I get off my ass and get the rest of my credits soon enough!

I was thinking about money (hah, thats not news around here!) and have been toying with the idea of side business I looked into about a year or two ago. I’m thinking of trying to become an affiliate to a toy company (for adults, wink wink) and earn some commission…or actually see what the start up would be to run my own internet business buying wholesale and reselling for a small profit. I don’t know how serious I am about doing that to earn money but I know this- that kind of stuff sells itself and it is all in good fun. I am fairly knowledgeable on the subject (aside from movie aspects, where I am very out of the loop) of boudoir goodies and am learning more lately. I started working with one of my favorite companies as a review writer, to get me some free stuff :) I earn points towards gift cards as well, but my big aspiration is to work my way up from review writer to review editor. Despite my horrible grammar and spelling catastrophes in my blog writings, I am actually fairly adept at proofreading. Really, I just love to write and also want to get free stuff to play with, hee hee. I guess time will tell if I end up following through with this idea. What else have I got going on, seriously?

It’s 11:10p.m. and this is the latest I’ve stayed awake in quite some time. I apparently am getting old (turning 30 at the end of the year, whoa!) and can’t stay awake past 9. Aside from my Zoe & Dan visit, when I think we stayed up until 1 or 2 the first night, I have been a sleep 9/10p.m. to 5a.m. kind of gal. I blame the kiddos, heh. They sucked the night owl right outta me!

I say this every Saturday & Sunday: I’m SLEEPING IN TOMORROW! Most likely I will wake up by 6, which is normal *sigh*. Here is to hoping I can make it until 7…that will give me almost 8 hours :)

I know no one reads this blog anymore, but if by chance you do, goodnight friends. Perhaps you will drop me a line soon because without a doubt, I miss you.

On Sunday morning I noticed a few out of place things in my backyard. A bag of potting soil had been torn in to, onion peels some how left compost pile and ended up in the veggie garden, part of my bush bean row was dug out, and a wooden stake marking a spot in the back yard was shredded. I figured neighborhood cat (as we have tons) or a local critter. It was that evening that we found out who was responsible. While we were in the house getting ready to go back and bbq we see the next door neighbor’s pit bull tear past our sliding glass door. Turns out he dug under the fence and has been in our yard. Unfortunately, this dog is not fixed and we are planning to get a dog soon. Fortunately, it did not come into our yard when Elliott was playing  alone out back because it barks at us and I’m not sure if it would bite E, and E would run from it because he is scared of strange big dogs. Daniel alerted one of the guys living at the house, and he apologized and said he’d take care of the dog.

These people are already on the court resident’s bad side. There are supposed to be two women and five kids renting there. There are a couple of guys who live or hang out there a lot, one who litters, and the same or another one got into a screaming match with our nice neighbor the night before this dog incident, because it was 2a.m. and he was yelling and maybe partying again. That was second noise disturbance in the middle of the night for them so far. They block the mailboxes with their cans on garbage day, their dogs get out (unfixed male and female) and on one occasion pooped on our lawn twice and tore up garbage in our front yard.

Yesterday, they did a nice thing and mowed the weeds/lawn in the side yard between both our houses. However, when they were on our side, they ran over the sprinkler Daniel had just replaced. They took the busted sprinkler out and so far have not talked to us about it. I assume maybe they took it to know what kind of replacement to buy, or because they think we won’t notice. I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt through the weekend but then I’m officially going from minorly annoyed to disliking them.

In other news, I hate it when we make plans with family and with less than a week, they change our plans, invite people to our home with a really weak reason to change said plans. If we are not important enough to keep plans with, why bother coming at all? Don’t go from spending the night to coming up for a few hours and bringing along more with 6 days to figure it out. Oh, and we’ll get the details of who and when TONIGHT. WTF, man. They have all spring break week to do this side trip, and we are waaay out of the way of where they need to be. Why come here at all, especially when you never see us so you need to invite other family to come along that you see far more often. Maybe we wanted to spend the time with just you, meh. I don’t feel like we are respected at all when they pull this kind of shit (again).

I am irritated just a little bit today. Geez.

In other news, I am looking forward to no school next week. I miss being at home during the day.

When I feel like I’m being swallowed up by darkness I turn to my writing. I either read old chat logs or blog posts for a good laugh or to refresh a fond memory. I have abandoned writing in my lj, and I have a tumblr that I was occasionally posting a story about the kiddos but abandoned that. I just can’t seem to let this one go. This blog has been filled with some of my darkest thoughts, hardest moments in history, and moments of pure delight. I really want to try to resurrect this one. I’ve said that before a few times, heh.

[Here is the part where I get up and find where the source of Daniel's annoying work phone that won't stop fucking beeping.]

There have been some fucked up things happening in my world, and I feel really shitty about it. Something horrible happened to someone very close to us a few weeks ago. Shortly thereafter, a kid who was a friend and neighbor to one of my very close friends I’d known growing up passed away. No more than a week after that, a friend of mine who I’ve known for the past few years passed away in his sleep unexpectedly at age 36. WTF is up, universe?! These are some dark days.

I want to be happy about the good things in my life right now. I finally feel like I’m getting some nice things I deserve. We bought our first house on Jan 20th, bought a new truck a few weeks ago, and I got myself a shiny new android phone to play with. I cut my hair and donated 12″ of it, and have been losing some weight. I actually feel a little less ugly and scroungy. I’m still trying to cope with horrible unexplained mood swings though. I am damn proud to be a mom but my kids have destroyed my body, haha. And Sir Busypants Charlie has me sitting down for no more than 2 minutes at a time, I’m thoroughly exhausted.

My kids are wonderful little people. Elliott is rockin the Kindergarten, and is starting to catch up to his peers. Charlie is finally talking, and his vocabulary is hilarious. He doesn’t really use anyone’s names except my mom’s dog Bella (who is his best friend) and Elliott’s. My two boys interact really well together. Right now the big one is at the movies with his dad, and little monkey is sleeping on the sofa next to me. I should probably take advantage of my free time and maybe do some yoga before he wakes up.

I sort of had different plans for this entry when I was dreaming it up in the shower this morning. It’s funny that things always sound better in my head when I’m either bathing or driving, or laying awake at 3a.m.

I have been really longing for some things of my past, I’m happy that I blogged from 2002 forward. I have lost a lot of finer details in my memories, so I’m glad for anything I wrote down back in the day.

In a completely random note. I watched Twilight. Daniel laughed at me for this but I figured hey, with all the fanciers and haters of this story, how can I not watch the movie at least once? Honestly, not my cup of tea. I used to hang out with many friends who were the gothic vampire-culture fans in highschool. I don’t think it was well received at all by most of the public, the term “freaks” being used a lot. What a bunch of fucking hypocrites these people are now, swooning over this sparkly vampire stuff 10 years later.

Yesterday, my first tattoo turned a decade old.

I really don’t associate myself with an age the other 50 or so weeks of the year, but this time of year I sit down and think about how old I really am.

Last week I decided that I should start blogging again. Even if it’s just to talk about my kids or cats (the furry kids). Even if it is one sentence, I’d like to write something every day. This is my I-don’t-like-new-year-resolutions birthday resolution. I forgot to write something yesterday though. I guess I had a lot of fun and was distracted :)

I have loved to write my entire life. I may not be great at it, and may only amuse the people who actually know me or myself, but I don’t care. I have always felt better writing than not writing. I have missed livejournal. Hell, I joined a due date community and haven’t even told them when and how Charlie’s birth went…almost 8 weeks ago.

Today we’re putting up the rest of the christmas decorations so I’m going to cut this short. Plus we’re going to have lunch in Redding at Red Robin to celebrate my birthday today, so I really need to not spend too much time online :)

This is one of those tag people kind, but I don’t think there are more than maybe 5 of you who read my lj/blog(yes, sadly I’m crossposting!) anymore, heh. I just needed an easy fill out entry in my effort to start writing again :)

• how would you describe your siblings (if you have any)?
Don’t have any, ‘cept my inlaws and some step-sibs and they’re hardly sibling like to me :\

• have you ever lied to a teacher?
Most likely.

• what kind of book would you describe as a good read?
Non-fiction/reference books. Those rarely disappoint :) I love reference type books with personal anecdotes thrown in. As far as fiction goes, I like crime drama type books with mystery and forensics. I like good versus evil. I like romance. I like spiritual journeys and personal transformations. Any book that I can get lost in is ideal :)

• what’s your occupation?
Currently, I’m a couch jockey. Also, I’m an oven. I think of myself as an individual but also am known to tell people I’m Elliott’s mom. I’m a student (on hiatus).

• what stereotype are you?
No clue. I don’t really know what stereotype I’d fit in with…

• what’s your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
obsession: facebook application games :\ they’re free and I don’t watch tv, so meh.

• what are you listening to right now?
Bob the Builder is on in the background. Elliott is talking to me occasionally while I type :)

• what food could you eat every day for weeks and not get sick of?
Sushi (when I’m not preggo) and Mexican food! Pizza, zucchini, salad with ginger dressing. I’m pregnant so there are all sorts of things I’ve been eating for weeks on end without getting sick of them, but the first three are regardless of pregnancy or not.

• what websites do you always visit when you go online?
Facebook, email inbox, cake wrecks, ugliest tattoos, all the lolcats/engrish/fail blogs, lj, weatherbug

• what are you going to do next year?
Go back to school, take a vacation, pay off debt (YAY!), spend time with my kiddos :)

• what was the cutest thing you’ve seen today?
Elliott’s attempts at waking my sleepy self up :) Usually I’m up first but today I needed to sleep in until 7 I guess :)

• does the weather affect your mood?
If it’s ridiculously hot or stormy and cold and I’m inside for too long I get cabin fever :P I love sunny warm days or rainy (but not windy) days

• what is your zodiac sign?
Sagittarius

• do you want to learn another language?
Hablo espanol (un poco). I’d like to learn French and Sign language and probably German. And I wish I could refresh my Japanese. My memory doesn’t retain foreign language very well however.

• five things you can’t live without.
1. My kids
2. My hubby/mom/family/friends
3. Oxygen
4. My memorabilia (it’s important but I’m not going to kill myself if I ever lost it) – photos, scrapbooks, notes passed in highschool, writing notebooks, etc..
5. My kitties (they should be #3)

• if you could meet anyone now, who would you meet?
Some friends for a good meal & some fun :)

• what’s something you’d like to say to someone right now?
I’d love to accept your generous donation of some 6 or 7 figure monetary amount :D Or maybe just hug a few people I haven’t seen in a long time, which seems much more likely than getting a large sum of money for no reason other than someone having it and wanting to give it to us :)

• what are you looking forward to?
Charlie’s birth :) 75 days left, woot!

• say something to the person who tagged you.
(LivMo) I really hope you get the accounting job in WA! So you will be happy first and foremost, and when we take our trip to Portland and Seattle next year we can know someone up there who can maybe get us a hotel room discount ;) Plus we’re still tossing around the idea of moving to Portland in a few years for a few years and you’d be a weekend trip away :) Of course you are a day trip away now, but we’re just broker in CA I suppose :\

I love this time of day. When it’s quiet, before Elliott wakes, and I can enjoy a cup of coffee in silence. I am usually too late to watch the sun rise, but at 6 a.m. on a summer day it is still beautiful. My cats are happy that I’m up.

I took a long break from writing. A lot can happen in a year, and that is why I’m writing now. I know it hasn’t been a year since I updated, but by the time I get through this update it will span a year.

Fall 2008 marked my first year in college. I took it easy and stayed mostly 3/4 time status…although I went full time for a bit in January I had to cut back – more on that later. It was wonderful to be in school. I never thought I’d say that. Finishing my first year I have a 4.0 GPA, booyah! I can apply for financial aid and scholarships for my next semester, and that is pretty awesome. I had an amazing math teacher in the spring – Mr. Larson. I always thought I sucked at math and that it was not something I could learn or understand easily. Turns out, I just had crappy teachers in the past or a lack of willingness to learn. I actually really like math, almost as much as science even.

In November, on black friday, I got a wild urge to get a cat. We have had a minor mouse problem in our home (specifically in the kitchen, yuck.) so I got the okay from the landlord to get a kitty. We saw Midas on petfinder and I fell in love with his photo. He was the cutest kitten I ever have seen. When I went to meet him, by some good fortune he was one of only 3 cats available to meet the day after Thanksgiving. He had a little roomie who was just a little younger than him and cute as hell. I brought Midas and his little sister Calliope home that day. They’ve caught 3 mice, numerous spiders, and instantly became part of our family. They put up with Elliott’s crazy 3-year-old-ness and they cuddle with me when I’m sick. Midas is the hunter, the greeter, and the cat with the smelliest breath on this earth – but he is so wonderfully affectionate. Calliope is totally my cat. She demands my lap despite the laptop being in it, she talks more than any cat I’ve ever met, she is very exotic and sleek, and a HUGE klutz. She is quite the opposite of graceful cat. They both run around in crazy mode or sleep most of the time. I’m so happy we have them. They both lived at the shelter for months before we adopted them, and within an hour of being in our house they were relaxed and that first night they cuddled in bed with all of us. Midas will be a year old next week, and Calliope will turn a year old at the end of august.

In January I got pregnant with little dude #2. He’s still unnamed, I have chosen the name I like/want and Daniel is still trying to figure out if it feels right for him. I had to drop my favorite class(anatomy) in March-ish due to pregnancy issues. I was just starting to do the cadaver prosection and I was rockin an A (the class in ridiculously hard and takes up pretty much every free hour to study or work in the lab). I got what is called Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which apparently only occurs in about 2% of pregnant women. It’s super morning sickness. It can basically be described as my brain not flipping the “vomit switch” to off once I regulated the hormone production by yarfing in the first place. I ended up in the ER in March due to severe dehydration. Thus began my prescription to a wonderful antiemetic (sp?) called Zofran. It takes the edge off of nausea and actually stopped the throwing up a few times. Which is great, because I could not afford to go to the ER again, for sure. We have made 3 major trips to the hospital since last September and we have thousands of dollars in medical bills due to it :( I’m waiting for payment assistance to tell me what they can help us with.

So far pregnancy has been going great (despite the barfing nonstop until I hit 16 weeks-ish, fully non nauseous by week 18). I get migraines with this kid though (I only got maybe 4 headaches when I was pg with Elliott). I’m less than 100 days away fro mthe finish line, woot. Blood work has been great, I am doing fine on weight gain and diet (I lost a lot of weight due to the HG in the first couple of months). I am taking the summer and fall semesters off from school to just relax and enjoy pregnancy and be prepared. The little dude kicks me like crazy and seems to be even more active than E was in utero. I sort of wonder if he’ll be more hyper than E is once he’s born. I’m going to have two little monsters running around in no time at all :) Elliott is really on board to be a big brother. He’s getting a little cousin Orson, R&C’s bebe due in 2 weeks. Also, Daniel’s stepbro and his wife are pregnant with a boy due two weeks after my little one. Family visits are going to be crazy awesome now :) Elliott loves babies and I think he’ll like having a little brother and cousin to teach things to.

Elliott is doing great. He’s been improving his speech exponentially since his hearing surgery in January. I still want to get him some speech therapy so we can get him into preschool for at least one year before he goes to kindergarten. He’s hard to understand at times, but I can really get a lot of what he’s trying to say. It’s not frustrating for us so much anymore. He’s still working on potty training, which is slow going. He told us he had to go the other day and sure enough, as soon as he hoppped up on the toilet he was poopin away :) This was on a day he was really sick too. I was very impressed. He is counting and can almost get through 1-10 aloud, but he is able to show us fingers to represent what he counts. He’s learning ABCs, he can make full sentences and one of my favorite things about his progress is instead of his choo-choo trains being “oo oo ains” he calls them “coo coo canes” which is awesome. He can say “train” but it’s difficult. He’s over 40 inches tall, finally got a weight gain to about 36lbs, and I shaved his hair into a mohawk. He moved into the bigger bedroom so he can share with his baby bro, and his old room is now my craft room.

Aside from feeling crafty lately, Daniel and I have been super interested in backcountry hiking. He listens to NPR and heard a segment on the Appalachian Trail, and got me interested and now one of our goals is to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail. That means 5-6 months across 14 states :) It’s going to be in the far future, probably when the kids are pretty old. In the meantime we have been checking over our camping gear and making plans to do small close to home hikes. I’m too pregnant and uncomfortable to camp right now, so we’re sticking close to home to refresh our outdoor skills/try out new equipment we have. Next summer will be awesome though. For our 10 year anniversary in 2012 we have our first goal of hiking the John Muir Trail (211 miles from Mt Whitney area to Yosemite) which is probably a 3 week hike. My mom will probably take the kids for a few weeks in the late summer while we do it. The JMT is part of the Pacific Crest Trail, another thru-hike we want to do someday, it’s a bit longer than the AT (2k miles) at about 2600 miles. We will probably complete sections at a time to keep in shape over the years. We have been pretty much dying to go camping over the past couple of years and we finally decided that we could camp with little ones. We’re less than an hour from a few great locations (Mt Shasta, Lassen Nat’l Forest, a few lakes) and it costs practically nothing to vacation in the woods. I just wish I could tolerate sleeping on an airbed a bit more :\

I’ve managed to take a couple of hours typing this out, it is now 8:30 and my sleepyhead is still in bed. This would’ve been the day to sleep in, but for some reason I just get up by 7a.m. these days :) I’m hoping to get back into writing more in the future, since I have all this time at home right now. until then, hope everyone out there in blogville is doing well.

Want to know a way to torture someone? Give them a bladder infection and then send them into a grocery store they’ve never been to before when they really feel awful and have them look for organic tea with lemongrass in it. Yeah. And a big bottle of cranberry juice too. That will make them miserable for the agonizing 10 minutes they spend in there. In other news, I think I’ve figured out how to identify a bladder infection the moment it begins and then head it off at the pass. HAH! No more doctor bills for us. I owe my doc’s office over a hundred dollars, and we owe Elliott’s doctors/hospital close to 900$ for his surgery. YEAH, SHIT, THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY.

I hab a code. Again. I think I have a perpetual cold, actually. I am always sick now, and Elliott is always sick, and it is lovely sleeping on my sofa all the time. I want my baby to feel comfortable coming into our bed when he feels bad because it really helps him sleep and comforts him. I on the other hand, cannot sleep to snoring snuffling coughing hacking phlegming noises so I end up not getting a good night’s sleep in my cozy bed. I get a mediocre half night’s sleep in the living room.

Last night I took my mom to the Big Band Jazz concert at my college. I have to review two concerts for my History of Jazz & Rock class and last night’s was the first available one to attend. I had fun. My professor is just as passionate conducting his band as he is lecturing my class. Oh man I bet he gets laid so freaking much. It is amazing how musicians give off this magic that makes me get all hot for a man twice my age people find them attractive. Maybe it is their passion for music that just translates to being a passionate person. How many times can I say passionate? A lot more, I can assure you. Maybe I’m just high on cold meds or maybe I’m on to something. Now that my mind is wandering (seriously I mistyped “conducting his nad” a few lines back, oh Lordy) I think it might be my bedtime. I need sleep. Also, my laptop battery is running low. Yeah, thats my excuse…

I’m sitting at Elliott’s bedside because he is not feeling well and needs company. He has some kind of phlegmy bronchial issue that I’m going to call about if it doesn’t get better soon. I think it is why he’s been snoring all week and coughing every time he wakes up.

I haven’t been feeling so hot myself. I don’t think I ever mentioned why I have the tag “prison of bones” when it has absolutely nothing to do with my aim screenname other then it is from the song that my lj name is from as well. Maybe it’s just my interpretation of the song but I feel prison of bones is the most appropriate way to sum up how I feel like my body owns me sometimes. My ailments or illnesses are blogged under this tag.

I went to the doctor in late August and when the nurse was checking my BP/weight and getting my basic info she asked me if I was on any medications. I said no. She read my history on the computer and then asked if I was taking 2 of the meds my doc prescribed from that office a few months prior. I said yes, that was correct. I never thought of it like being on medication. I look at what I take for my migraines as I would any over the counter pain reliever. When asked if on medications I don’t ever say “yeah, excedrin and nyquil” so why should I say “yeah, Maxalt and Fiorinal”. Apparently I am on medication. It is regularly enough for them to consider it a permanent drug in my system. It occurred to me this evening that my medical history now defines me as having a chronic (illness?). It is debilitating most of the time, I take freaking barbitates (so much for learning what I did in D.A.R.E.) so I can function. It’s all very weird to be defined by a medical issue. I’d say it ruins my life, except I don’t let feeling like shit all the time take away the things I want to do with my life. It sure does suck though. In cases like tonight when I had intentions to write something that makes sense and end up babbling and I am trying to study for a midterm tomorrow it really messes with my plans to have a migraine that won’t even go away with drugs.

My point? I don’t know. I wish there was a damn cure for so many things that go wrong with our bodies. I know migraines are not even in the top 50 things that are awful to have wrong with you but it still sucks nonetheless. Bodies are so amazing and yet they can destroy themselves in so many ways. I don’t know whether to be impressed or depressed. Nah, i’m impressed. I still love my imperfect body for all it’s faults.

And seriously, all of you out there who lie and use the “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” excuse- shame on you. It sucks when you want to get busy but can’t because your head feels like it will explode at the smallest sound/sight/movement. Tonight isn’t one of those nights but it still puts a damper on my plans :P

when i arrived to pick Elliott up from daycare today, the kids were just finishing up their lunch. Amber (one of the women who works for Tami [her niece] and the mom of Tanner who is one of Elliott’s buddies) says to me “Would you mind trading kids for the day?” :D I guess her son was being a little monster and Elliott was just an angel. The ladies all love Elliott. He’s really good for them :)

As he was finishing his lunch a little girl his age named Kendra walked up to me (she’s so social and adorable, btw) and showed me her sippy cup of milk and her corndog as she sat down next to Elliott. She looked at Elliott and asked him “Is that your mommy?” and he replied “Yeah, mommy.” Then she looked at me and pointed to Elliott and asked me “Is this yours?” LOL. I told her yes, he was my baby. She pointed to Elliott and said “Your baby!”. Awwww. It was so cute to see Elliott having a mini convo with another kiddo his age.

He loves his daycare. I love it too, and my cost is about to go up with my new class starting on the 20th. I wish going to college wasn’t causing us to be so broke. I wish we were higher up on the waitlist for childcare funding. Bah. It would bum me out to have to take Elliott out of his daycare.

I think it really is time to express some feelings.

1] My history of jazz & rock class seems to be hitting my nostalgia button something fierce.

Last week it was walking into the auditorium to hear “We will rock you” and being thrown back to 7th grade when one of those perfect “feels-like-i’m-in-a-movie” moments happened. My chorus class(singing was my chosen elective that year, whoda thunkit ;D) had to sing “Ode To Joy” as part of a school district choral festival. One day we were rehearsing and somehow slowly the entire class found themselves rockin a beat of STOMPSTOMP Clap! STOMPSTOMP Clap! Then as if completely rehearsed to perfection this kid Jared stands up and starts singing the words to “we will rock you”. We ended up performing our remix version of Ode To joy for a spring concert and it was a huge hit :)

Monday in my class we were taught the basic steps of the Jitterbug. I already knew the steps from taking one of those coast Swing dance lessons back in highschool. I can’t remember if it was West Coast or East Coast swing. What I do remember is that I was too self conscious to go without a partner so once H and I stopped dating I had no partner and stopped going. I kind of regret that. There was like 4 girls to every guy at the dance hall, so chances I would’ve sat out a lot, but at least I would’ve learned more than the Jitterbug step and a very pathetic few other steps (I don’t do so hot with a partner attached). When Dr. Grandy asked for a volunteer from the class to come down and dance with him I was tempted. I figured I’m sitting front row center and if he chooses a lady to dance it could’ve been me anyway. I was just mortified at the thought of being in front of 100+ people watching. The girl who volunteered knew how to dance, it was pretty darn cool. I love my history class, because it not only is about the music, but we actually learn history itself and how it affected the music scene and how the music scene affected history. I’m totally digging the big band era and WWII which is where we are now (duh.)

2] I realized that there are some things that i’ll never get over.

I heard this line from a rilo kiley song called “wires and waves” the other day and for the first time it hit me what it was about (in my head at least). I think about how i’m connected to you and it is like a cable made up of tons of tiny little wires which keeps us together. Some of those wires have frayed and come apart, and most of the time i think that the cable that connects us is defective. Every once in awhile i can push the cable in just the right way and the circuit gets completed, the wires touch and there is nothing that can stand between us. If i dare to breathe and move a fraction of an inch you’re gone again. It makes me so tired. It hurts when i can’t reach you. All I’ve got is this half broken line and I don’t know what you’re honestly thinking.

3] When did music stop being so important in my life? It feels like it’s been ages but I know it hasn’t. It was a slow fade. Is this what growing up is like? When the music doesn’t hold so much importance anymore. It’s such a tragedy.

What do you spend your free time day-dreaming about?
Getting my hair straightened permanently again, a spa day, having money, and when i’m in the mood i sometimes relive past events and change the outcome :)

Why do some dreams feel so real?
I wish I had the answer to that. Why do sexy dreams cause certain pregnant women to have orgasms in their sleep?

How often do you floss?
My answer is embarassing. I like the idea of flossing and agree with it but it icks me out doing so and i never got into the habit of flossing so it only happens when i really need to :\

When you’re reading a good fictitous novel, do you imagine yourself as a character?
Yes! With certain main characters I put myself in the story as them :)

Have you ever been arrested? If so, feel free to explain..
No but I’ve ridden in the back of a police car and have been stopped and questioned/lectured by cops before.

Do you find that most of your friends are male, or female?
In general I get along with boys better. Now I’d say my close friends are both genders (about 50/50)

What animal do you dislike the most?
Acorn Woodpeckers are on my list, lol. I plan on writing my next essay on them. I don’t really dislike them but I think they’re stupid and they are annoying destructive little shits :D

Zoos: fun, or depressing?
They are where they are and I try not to think about it as a sad thing. If a zoo mistreats and neglects animals it is very depressing. I have fun at zoos because I love animals and to see them up close and in person is a big deal to me.

Ever taken a rock-climbing course?
No, but I’ve done my share of rock/tree/fence climbing

Do wood-ticks gross you out?
No, but I don’t know any personally

Got any good recipes I might want to try out?
You, survey? Or the author? Or my readers? I have loads of good recipes and I share when I feel compelled to :P

Do you like to play those brain-twister type games?
Sometimes. If I’m not in the mood it just ends with me feeling like a moron if I can’t solve them.

Do you judge others freely, and complain when you yourself are judged?
Everyone judges. I try to do it in moderation and I try not to be hypocritical about it. I’m sure people have judged me an I mostly don’t give a tiny rats ass.

Do you believe in karma?
Yeah. I don’t know if I believe Karma happens to people who don’t believe in it though.

Life: is it destiny or choice?
Both. (I agree with Liv on this one)

Your age when you first consumed alcohol & enjoyed it?
11 or 12 probably. Maybe earlier with those little liquer filled chocolates.

Do you find yourself lying a lot to fit in?
I don’t really need to fit in.

Are you one of those obnoxious girls who has to be the center of attention?
I have to say when I read this I thought “WTF?” at the “obnoxious girls” part. I don’t want to be center of attention and I’m sure there are obnoxious guys who do :P

Are you honest? Really?
Yes. Really.

Can you go one day without your cellphone, and feel okay?
Sort of. I spend many days without using it, but it is my only source of long distance calling so I never know when I need it.

Are you suffering from (or enjoying) any addictions?
WoW and both :D But I have to quit cold turkey in a few days because we just can’t afford it anymore. If the damn budget would just pass already we can get daycare assistance and I can go back to having my one fun spendy thing (ok well we have two, but netflix is a family fun spendy thing)

Do you wear your emotions?
Pretty much.

Can I has cheezburger?
Yar, and yoo can haz hotdog 2!

Do you believe that one can be possessed by evil spirits?
Ok, random. But no.

Is age a number, or state of mind?
By definition it is a number of years you’ve been alive. But in my experience I can say I’ve known people who don’t act their age or refuse to acknowledge their age.

Do long distance relationships really count??
Hell yes! My favorite story is of my best friend Zoe who met her husband online and became friends which led to a long distance love story(aww) and now equals them being married for almost 3 years! :D It can happen and it can work out if the two people involved are open to it :)

Do you enjoy giving your unsolicited advice/opinion?
On occasion ;)

Would you pee on your significant other if they said it turned them on?
I would do a lot of things to turn on my SO ;) I’d like to think I could pee for the sake of someone I love :) I’m pretty comfortable doing fetish type things even if they don’t do much for me :)

How many times a day do you think about the upcoming presidential election?
However many times someone brings it up. I try not to think about politics too much because it makes my brain hurt.

Would you consider yourself to be racist?
I’m probably more concerned with coming off like I’m anti-racism. Truth is, I feel like we are defined by how we look regardless. I don’t think it’s okay to dislike or assume something about someone just by their skin color being different. I know being of a different race makes someone different from me and I like the differences as well as our similarities and we’ll never be considered the same because we’re all individuals and not robots. I’m probably not making sense (guh I’m tired and sick today).

Did you know someone who was killed in battle? (as in war)
Not that I’m aware of

How many truly close friends do you have? Im talking CLOSE friends, like, the friends you would go to when you need someone to take you to the doctor to get your std results….
Well I’m pretty open so I’d probably trust a good handful of people to drive me there. I’d say of the 5 or 6 closest friends I have I’d trust all of them, and my mom too. In fact she’d probably be the first person I’d call since she’s right down the road and every one else is far far away :(

Speaking of std’s… ever had one?
With the loads of unprotected sex I had with a promiscuous partner when I was a teenager, I’m shocked I never got one (THANK GOD).

If you contract herpes tomorrow, would you commit suicide?
1. I have heard it’s very manageable 2. I know it would be hard to deal with but fucking stupid to kill myself over it (or anything for that matter – I LOVE LIFE and LIVING) 3. I don’t plan on getting it tomorrow or any other day :P

Gays- are they okay in your book?
Hell, they are okay in my library!

Do you think these gas-guzzling suv’s & trucks are ruining the planet? Or is it just lazy, wasteful people?
Saying SUVs ruin the planet is like saying guns kill people. People do these things, not the inanimate objects! I think that SUVs are big gas guzzling, small car destroying, view obscurring monstrosities – but I can see why some people feel the need to have them. Personally, if you hit my car with your big ass vehicle and don’t kill me and my family I will probably get out and hurt you unless you convince me it is necessary for you to have that car. If you say it’s so you feel safe and you cause accidents I will kick your fucking ass. Okay well maybe no ass kicking, but I really do hate suburban housewives who drive hummers.

When was the last time you cussed someone out, and felt good about it?
I don’t know if I’ve ever cussed someone out face to face. I’ve done it in my head and felt really good about it :)

Do you find it hard to NOT talk shit about people behind their backs?
I don’t talk shit behind people’s backs, that would imply I’d have a reason to say anything to their face and chose not to say whatever negative thing I was thinking. I try not to associate with people that inspire negativity and I try not to even criticize people anymore. It’s hard, but I feel better when I’m not all bogged down with negativity.

If your boss was sinking in quicksand, would you offer to pull em’ out, or watch them slowly drown…?
If someone I knew (whether I liked them or not) was in dire need of help, I’d help them if I could. With that said I’ve had bosses that I’d picture them in some sort of quicksand situation and I’d imagine sitting back and laughing. I’m not that heartless in real life :)

Who let the dogs out?
You’re fired. (HAHAAH I agree 100% with Liv’s comment!)

Who is the sexiest celebrity alive??
Quite possibly Johnny Depp. I’d say Keanu Reeves, but when he opens his mouth in 99% of his movies I want to mute him. The time I found him most attractive was in the Gift when he was a big fat asshole, because I was so smitten with the fact he wasn’t acting like Keanu Reeves. heh. I really like the non-conventionally sexy actors and find them to be most attractive. The Colin Mochries and Ryan Stiles and Drew Careys of the world (okay just some examples, can you tell I like funny men? heh)

What’s a reason why you’d feel uneasy right now?
I would have to say that there is a chance something I really want to happen isn’t going to but I won’t know for sure until who knows when. How’s that for cryptic?

Are you going through any type of pain at this exact moment?
Nah.

At this time yesterday, what were you doing?
Hanging out at my mom’s house…no wait being driven home from her house. Wow it’s after 2 already (been at this [with disruptions] for over an hour)

What exactly does your livejournal name mean?
6.5 years ago “hauntedeyes” was taken. I did the stupid “end it with a z thing”. I really really really loved the song Haunted Eyes at the time and I felt like I had to pay my homage. Thats why my screen names are also “starinajar” and “prison of bones”…all from the same song.

Did you take a nap at all today?
I need one!

Do you think that Lil Wayne is all that great?
I don’t know who that is.

Did you drink any coffee today?
No :( I’m cutting back on my caffeine, I’m way too addicted to it and i need to stop

When’s the last time you wanted to cry?
When Elliott was in surgery.

Who is the last person you got really pissed off with?
Eh. Well my mom and I both were pretty pissed about some recent family drama that is typical. There are some spoiled people who get whatever they want regardless of how it affects her and I.

Are you falling in love with anyone?
Nah. Been there done that.

If you’re in school, how is it going for you?
It’s going GREAT. Got my first test back from my history of Jazz & Rock class and it was an A!

Does your school have a mascot?
I think it is a knight in a suit of armor. I dunno.

What is the heaviest thing you carried today?
Elliott

Have you ever thought about going to Culinary school?
OMG I’d love to! But I can’t afford to go to a school that wouldn’t be teaching me my future career.

Which one of your friends is so cocky you almost can’t stand it?
Define cocky. I can’t say anyone I know is cocky unless you’re referrin to their genitalia :)

If out of the blue, someone asked you to sing a Madonna song, what would you sing?
You don’t want me to sing, trust me :) FWIW, I’d sing “like a virgin” probably becauseI know like 2 lines of it, haha

What is your best kissing advice for the person who’ll kiss you next?
I don’t foresee getting kissed by someone who would need my advice about it. However a good piece of advice I would give to the past potential kissers is this: DON’T THINK ABOUT IT, JUST FUCKING DO IT. I can’t stand the fact I have heard multiple stories of how someone had a thing for me (which I always seemed to feel the same at the time) but never did anything about it. People need to take more risks, seriously.

Do you have a favorite football team or do you not care?
If by football, you mean real football, I’ll say Les Bleus!

Where haven’t you been that you miss going to?
haven’t been that i miss? is that supposed to be lately? The bay area in general, Portland area, Seattle area. I miss Mikuni sushi too. And Benihana. And Habit Burger.

Why, if at all, do you fear falling in love?
I surely fear it now, because nothing sucks more(I exaggerate, because we all know there are worse things) than being with someone you care deeply about and being in love with someone else.

What color is your father’s car?
black

What are some tv shows you dare not miss?
I don’t have cable so I can’t really answer this. I make an effort to watch a few online the next day – Grey’s Anatomy, Lost, House, Desperate Housewives, Medium

What type of sushi do you like to eat?
ALL OF IT :( I miss sushi. There is one place around here I know of and it’s nothing special. I especially loooooove big rolls stuffed full of good yummies, and unagi is my favorite sashimi/nigiri.

Can people tell what nationality you are just by your last name?
Er, no. Because I’m married. Even then, my husband/son don’t look like their last name in my opinion. Well, my husband surely doesn’t look mexican period, but my Elliott does :D

Where’s the best place to get pizza from?
So many places! Strictly To Go on Clayton road in concord and Aladinos in Clayton were my favorite growing up. Buffalo Chips in Chester, CA for the BEST CRUST EVER! Zelda’s in midtown Sacramento for chicago stylee deep dish and also for Spinoccoli – the best vegetarian pizza ever oh man I’m hungry now. Luigi’s (in Red Bluff) for best meat (pepperoni and sausage FTW) pizza, and best in this area!

Do you know what a cougar is?
A type of car, animal, and older woman who is fond of younger men (which comes off like a mean term)

What’s the last alcoholic drink you had?
Dunno, I’ve made a lot of mixed drinks this summer. Probably a rum with grenadine and coke.

Where’s the last place you wore a hoodie to?
Like a sweatshirt? I don’t waste space in my memory with that sort of useless info.

Are your nails painted any special color?
My toenails are blue :D They matched my dress I wore to a family dinner last Friday.

Do you drink anything that people might consider weird?
Like blood? I come up with my own cocktails but they always taste good to me. I probably don’t drink anything weird.

Give us your plans for the next three hours?
Naptime if Elliott will let me, maybe more internetting, make dinner.

Animals in this area are ridiculously dumb. I can understand in city settings animals in the wild are constantly coming into contact with cars, but what is up with the critters out here in the middle of nowhere getting caught up with the one car that traveled down the road in that hour. On my way to Elliott’s post-op appointment (more on that later) I passed 2 different squirrels:
1. one who ran across in from of my car while I braked and then decided to double back and risk his damn life a second time
2. no more than 250 feet later another squirrel sat in the middle of my lane and didn’t move. I was already going so slow I actually had to drive around him to keep from squashing him. UGH.

I was keeping an eye out for the acorn woodpecker carnage from my drive to my mom’s house earlier this morning. Have I ever mentioned before how completely braindead those birds are? Well, in the past year I have seen tons of them dead in the road and thought maybe there was some sort of fatal woodpecker virus going around until I figured out from first hand experience that they are just plain stupid. I almost hit one a few months back. As I slowed down to give it time to fly up off the road it decided to fly straight ahead of my car (instead of off to the side like every other bird seems to do at the last minute) and it was not gaining altitude quickly at all. I almost hit it’s read end with the top of my windshield. It was lucky I don’t like to hit animals so I brake for all critters to avoid doing so. Well, as I headed to my mom’s this a.m. I saw something in the road ahead of me and as I stamped my foot down on the brake pedal I realized the birds in question were acorn wooodpeckers. As insensitive as it sounds, I figured I’m not going to slam on my brakes anymore and/or risk losing control of my car because it was just “those dumbass birds”. I just said to hell with it. And you know what, I HIT 3 OF THOSE FUCKERS. I was so pissed. I couldn’t believe I hit 3 of them. The good news is I didn’t kill them on imapact because they were not anywhere in sight when I passed the scene of the incident on my way out this afternoon. I really doubt the buzzards would’ve found them and eaten them in time to leave no trace by the time I passed. I figure I bopped them good and they’ll have little stupid bird headaches for the rest of the day. Good riddance.

Elliott’s post-op appointment was canceled at the last minute. I was getting him out of the car when my mom was trying to call me to let me know they called her. Dr. Gentry was called off to surgery at the last minute, which is not super common for our small area, but there are only 3 surgeons locally. No biggie, we’re going back next week. A nurse (or so i believe she was) was able to take the clear patch off the incision, she told me it’s okay to give him baths now and says his incision is healing beautifully. I’m happy now that I can bathe him again :D

On the subject of Elliott, I was so happy with the excellent care provided by St. Elizabeth hospital I went to their website to leave a comment about our nice experience (given the situation). Yesterday I received a thank you card in regards to my nice comments. Today I received a second thank you card and was told the nurses and doctors I mentioned will get to see the nice comment card. Also today I received a card from the hospital saying they tried to call and ask about our level of service and care and it instructed me to call with any questions or comments. They are so on top of things there. I wish everyone I cared about would be treated at this hospital, it really deserves the great reputation it has. I am so relieved to know my family here will be in good hands if they need medical attention :)

I got my first essay returned to me on Monday and I was very happy with my big ol’ fat A on it :D The comments my professor left were also very encouraging that I am going to do well in his class. What can I say, I love to write (even if my technical skills need improvement). So here it is–

The Pitfalls of Parenting

It has been said that any person can make a difference in the world just by being important in the life of a child. To be a positive influence and to raise my son Elliott to be an educated, happy, and healthy person is all I think about. I consider my every action and how I’ll affect his well being. I think about what goes into each meal he eats, so he’ll grow up to make smart dietary choices. I think about buying new educational books and games so I can continue to stimulate his mental abilities. I think about how I accidentally uttered a four letter word in front of him and wonder if he will repeat what I’ve said the next time we’re visiting my in laws. I think about his speech development and want him to be able to communicate well with people so I teach him to say “please.” When he says “please” it comes out “eez.”
“Please!” I say.
“Eez” he replies.
We repeat this several times.  I try a different approach. “Puh-lease!” I enunciate the P and hope he doesn’t sense my frustration .
He replies “Buh-eez” in his tiny voice. It has stuck with him ever since. People find “buh-eez” endearing, but I secretly fear that some day he will end up sitting on his therapist’s brown Italian leather sofa telling her “It all began when I realized my mother taught me to pronounce words the wrong way.”
The other moms I know tell me to relax. They tell me I’m doing a good job considering everything I’ve learned about child rearing has been on a trial and error basis.
I let my son play with the electric clippers (don’t worry they weren’t turned on or plugged
in!) and he broke them almost immediately. He’s afraid of scissors, and the new electric clippers I purchased must be incredibly menacing because my son goes into hysterics at the mere sight of them. My days of giving easy haircuts are now over. Notice how I say “my days”. My husband believes that since I got us into the mess, I should have the privilege of cutting our screaming son’s hair. Fair enough. Note to self: don’t let your child play with anything that is not a toy no matter how cute he is when he slides it along the bathroom floor while making train noises. The hair clipper incident is just a typical example of the bonehead things I do on a weekly basis.

Elliott feels his purpose in life is to be outdoors. If there are rocks to throw, sticks to collect, bugs to examine, holes to investigate, or dirt to eat — he’s there. I too could spend all day outside, but let’s face it I have a toddler and housework-o-plenty and my down time is limited. Lucky for me, Elliott is at that perfect stage of life when all he wants to do is help his “momma” with her chores. One sunny afternoon a few weeks ago I had a brilliant idea. I would teach Elliott how to water our plants.
“Do you want to help me?” I asked him.
“Yay!” he agreed.
“I’m going to show you how to give the flowers water” I told him.
He clapped his approval.
After demonstrating how to turn the water on at the spigot, I showed him how to
hold the hose and squeeze the trigger. He was a natural! To my delight he understood the
concept of aiming the stream of water at the plants. I was able to pull a few weeds and refill the bird feeders, while he happily babbled and soaked the flower bed. It was a parenting “win” and a developmental milestone.
Fast forward to a few days later. Our family was heading out the door and running late to a very important dinner at a very fancy restaurant. In the time it took me to lock the front door Elliott had taken control of the hose and was poised behind me. I turned. The earth was moving in slow motion as I became aware of what was about to take place. The drawn out “NOOOOO” barely escaped my lips as I was drenched by the stream of cold water. By the time I commandeered the hose I was soaked to my skin. It wasn’t his fault. I really should’ve explained the difference between watering the flowers in the dirt versus the flowers on my shirt.

Two years, eight months, and seventeen days of experience and I think I’m finally getting the hang of things. Less than fifty percent of the great parenting ideas I come up with backfire. I can get him to eat his vegetables by convincing him it is food that dogs love. We sit at the dining room table barking in between bites, and I’ll shape his mashed potatoes into “biscuits” and tell him he‘s been so good he‘s earned “doggie treats”. He just loves role playing at dinner. I just love him.

Tuesday morning everything was fine in our home, I had left to go to my mom’s house to make some of this year’s Christmas cards. After an hour there, D called me to say that recently happy and doing well Elliott was really sick and calling for me. I came home and spent a couple of hours snuggling with him, he was whining and squirming all over, typical signs of an upset stomach. Then he barfed, then barfed some more, then barfed a lot and it was time to give him a bath he was so covered in yuck. When we got him into the bath Daniel flagged me down and pointed out the huge swelling of Elliott’s scrotum. It was the size of my fist. I had just finished cleaning up and starting a load of laundry and I took one look at him and said “We’re going to the hospital!”. A little bit of puffy swollen testicles has been common for him, when he gets constipated it happens and after he poops the bulge goes away. His pediatrician told us with the bulge to monitor it and bring him in IMMEDIATELY if it comes with redness, pain, and/or green in vomit. So I knew it was probably not good (but hoped he was just super constipated and would get a laxative and we’d be good to go). I called his doctor to find out if we could bring him in to see her, or to urgent care clinic or ER. Her office called right back and said “Take him to the ER”.

The hospital here is tiny. The ER is really tiny and so calm and serene. We checked in around 5 p.m. Tuesday evening and only had to sit in ER waiting room for about 3 minutes before we were called back. (The waiting room sits about 20 people total, in the ER there are only 6 curtain rooms for patients and maybe 1 or 2 private rooms. So small, lol) We saw a male nurse for some basic vitals, saw a male nurse practitioner to examine his testicles, and saw a male doctor. They were all so great and calm and nurturing with Elliott. ER Dr. Karam got Elliott to Hi-Five him. After an hour in curtain room 5 and much eavesdropping on
other patients (had a broken jaw beat up guy, lady with kidney stones, woman with heart/breathing problem, man with pancreatitis) Elliott was taken to get an ultrasound. He spent almost an hour having his testicles photographed. The ultrasound tech was so nice to him and Elliott managed to go to sleep during it. Elliott did so well and listened to us when we told him to sit still for procedures, he really was a champ. He went back to his room and had an x ray, IV put in, and was given anti nausea meds and morphine for the pain.

I guess I should mention at this point he had a hernia. An Inguinal Hernia that they kept referring to as “incarcerated” which had me picturing men in prison. My head was really too full of information I had to write it all down. I called my mom at about 7 to let her know what was going on. When I got back to Elliott’s room Daniel made a quick trip home to grab his work phone and some snacks for us and Elliott’s stuffed puppy (who was barfed on and in our washing machine at home) – puppy is the ultimate comfort item for Elliott. While D was gone me and my doped up baby watched Family Guy on the little tv. The surgical consult was actually the man (Dr. Gentry) who was going to perform Elliott’s surgery. He (and many other people) told us that it was very serious and said it was good we brought him in as soon as we knew something was terribly wrong. He didn ‘t want to wait for a transfer to a hospital with a pediatric surgeon and he told me he was very comfortable performing the surgery on a toddler. He warned me there could be major complications from the bowel dropping down, so a bowel resection might be needed (if he couldn’t untwist and move the bowel and if its oxygen was cut off the part of the bowel would die and have to be cut out)
and also there could be some damage to his testicle during the procedure.

8:30 we met the anesthesiologist and one of the surgical nurses who came and had us sign a whole ton more paperwork (we signed so many papers in 24 hours, oy). Daniel was back and a damp but clean puppy was with Elliott, who at this point was finally thirsty and hungry (but about to go into surgery and couldn’t eat). At 9 it was time and the two women wheeled his bed to the OR. We went every step of the way we could, and kissed Elliott and said “see you soon”. It was the worst 2 hours of my life waiting for the doctor to come out and tell us what was ultimately the best best news. The surgery went great, it was an easy fix, no major damage done to his boy parts, no bowel injury, and he should bounce right back. At 11p.m. we went to the recovery room. Met two new nurses who we chatted with about Spongebob and kids and the hospital. It is a tiny hospital but all the rooms are private so that is kind of why. 11:30 Elliott was moved to pediatrics room 706 and we met his night nurse Kathy. He came to from his anesthetic but never woke up, he was so tired, poor baby. Kathy took a bunch of info from us and checked his vitals every 15 mins for a few hours, then every 30 mins until her shift was over. At 12:30 I sent Daniel home because there was no point in two of us getting no sleep and he looked miserable in the little reclining-ish chair. I figured when Elliott was released he’d be awake and I could sleep then.

Elliott woke up at 4 a.m. and was crabby and sore and miserable from being hooked into all kinds of machines. I layed in bed with him and we watched tv and he dozed off until about 6 a.m. We mostly just spent a lot of time trying to get him to be comfortable. He was doing well, medically, except he was not eating or drinking and hadn’t gone potty since before we arrived in the ER. Daniel came back around 7:30a and I took a walk and made some phone calls. I ran into the ultrasound tech and he asked how Elliott was doing. At this point I have to say every single person we came into contact with was so nice to us, even the housekeeping and random employees that passed through were asking us how we were and if we needed anything. Elliott was the only pediatric patient the whole time we were there, there were adults in our hall overflow from other departments but he was the only kid. 8 a.m. we met Susan, his day nurse. Bascially she was awesome like Kathy but not in his room as much because he wasn’t needing tons of vitals taken. She got us put on the food delivery list and when Elliott’s meals were brought, we also got food to eat. Hospital food in my memory has always been nasty, but theirs was not bad. In fact I was so starving it tasted so fantastic!

He was cleared by surgery at 10a.m. and we met the Pediatrician on call at noon thirty. Dr. Frantz needed him to be able to eat/drink to wean him off morphine and give him oral pain meds. She figured if he made any more progress she’d be back at 6-7 to check on him and maybe release him. She made it sound like he’d need a second night there. I came home at 1 talked to Dan on the phone for awhile which was a much needed distraction, took a shower, called my mom and headed back to the hospital with my laptop and spongebob and thomas the train dvds. My mom and John came to visit around 4:30 and brought a toy for Elliott – which he immediately wanted to play with. His personality was more or less back to normal and he was doing well. He was drinking clear liquids and at 5:30 his doctor said we could take him home that night. During the discharge process he ate an ounce or two of chicken broth and a few bites of jello. WE left for home a little after 7.p.m. 24+ hours was enough time there! :)

At home last night he was fine to walk around and play, we watched tv and slept on an airbed in the living room. He’s totally back to normal and hasn’t had any of his tylenol with codeine yet, he’s not complained at all of pain nor has he even winced at any movement that would affect his boo boo. I slept like 10.5 hours last night so I feel freaking great. His “boo boo” is pretty cool – the incision was about 1.5″ and they glued it shut and put a clear glue patch over it so it’s waterproof and needs no stitches. If you look at it from any bit of distance it looks like he got a scratch that bled a little and smeared and then dried. It doesn’t look like a scary surgery cut, which is good because I hated feeling my baby was in pain and having surgery and I have been feeling so awful I was afraid to look at his owwie. I can totally change his diaper and it doesn’t bother him or me, thank goodness! I still feel sympathy sick for him, even though he’s all better. It was a tough couple of days for us. Some of my family is visiting today so we’re going to my mom’s for a few hours.

So yeah, that was a long post :\

Around 11 this morning some dude crashed or tumbled his trailer on my side of I-5 directly east of my house. When his trailer caught fire he unhooked it from his pickup truck and drove off. The wind is crazy today, so of course it blew the fire directly up from the freeway shoulder and over the fence 75 feet from my yard, 100 feet from my house.

We were all in the computer room when I noticed a smokey smell. I got up to investigate, the house was fine inside. I opened the screen door and stepped out front – my vision panned right to left and as I focused on Hickman lane it dinged HOLY FUCKING HELL BIG WALL OF FLAMES. Then I looked out towards my neighbors and my landlord’s granddaughter Kelly was hauling as my way, and it clicked that I needed to get the hose and start soaking my roof and property line. In the 2 second s it took for me to react the flames crossed the fence and were at the edge of the street. I yelled for Daniel to get outside and man the backyard hose to get the back end of the roof and property line. He had to drag Elliott outside with him and the whole time Elliott was being so good. He kept saying “Mama, HOT!” and pointing, he fussed a little when he got accidentally sprayed with the hose. Kelly’s dog Cowboy came and kept Elliott amused. I ran in to grab my cell and called my mom to pick Elliott up a.s.a.p.

In the 10 or 15 minutes it took her to get over here, the flames burned all the weeds and headed south with the wind. They bypassed all of the ranch, which seems to be a-okay 3.5 hours later. A phone pole right across from us caught fire and the creosote that it gets soaked with stinks and gave me a fierce headache. Flames and smoke were everywhere it seemed, I had thoughts that we might have to evacuate until Cal Fire started showing up and getting things under control. Elliott went to my mom’s for 2 hours while we hosed the roof and yard, and then stood around and just watched everything happen. I got some great views of the helicopters dropping water, and hopefully my photos came out. So many idiots tried to pass our driveway and head down happy valley trail to gawk at the fire and take camera phone pics. My neighbor D(eanna? I forget her name, Kelly’s mom) was flagging people down and telling them if they didn’t live up the private road they needed to turn around. Some dude with two dogs in the bed of his truck actually told her to fuck off, even though he was bringing his dogs into thick ass smoke filled danger territory (JACKASS). She(along with her daughter and dad) basically did the crowd control of the CDF or sheriff. People were also trying to get past the stopped traffic on I-5 by taking the route that led directly into fire, DUH. Some people just don’t get it. I would’ve taken photos of the HUGE blaze but I was busy trying to keep my space defended. I will try to get the aftermath pics up later just for fun. We’re okay and Elliott is home now, and so far no real damage has been reported by my neighbors, but I have no idea what happpened down the road.

I will upload and post pics some later. Right now I just want to post my story and take a nap. It’s so crazy living in brush/forest fire territory. I’m a little “blegh” from the adrenaline rush wearing off :\ We’re making a fire evac plan up tonight, I swear. Yikes.

First week of college = awesome.

First week of daycare for Elliott =so awesome that he cries at the sight of me because he knows i’m picking him up and he has to leave his little playmates. He got a time out the first day because he wouldn’t stop putting rocks on a boy’s head, but he cried and his feelings were hurt adn he wanted mommy and wanted to go home so they loved on him and he has been a good boy for them since :) He just loves it there.

I have been sick up until yesterday. I spent my last weekend before the semester started sick along with Elliott. He’s still got a runny stuffy nose and gets a fever off and on. He seems to be better tonight, and I’m praying to get a good night’s sleep. I slept on the couch last night out of desperation. I love my baby and I totally want him to come to sleep with us when he feels bad, but all the wet snoring noises, the constant flopping round and kicking me, the crying and sad noise making in his sleep and then the random “Momma..MOMMA!….hi” moments when he feels the need to wake me up because he’s awake moments are too much for me. I haven’t slept well at all lately. This is lovely because now I have a need to rest well, get up early and be alert and it’s not being taken care of.

English 1a. It’s a small class < 30 people in it. I group with about 5 other girls for our writing workshops. Half of them were born in 1990. The 2 girls that sit behind me in my row both have kids. The gal behind me is my age and has been out of school for 10 years too. I like them all thus far. I wrote my first essay (and rewrote/corrected it 4 times) and it was due yesterday. That was scary and intimidating and I busted my butt to get it done as best as I could. I will post it once it gets back to me with a grade :D I have 4 more essays to write this semester and a big ole research paper. My professor is cool, he’s got a good sense of humor and he takes the old standard highschool 5 paragraph essay format and throws it out the window. I think he will appreciate my creativity and hopefully I can make up for lack of technical skills with my content. I aim to improve my grammar too :)

History of Jazz and Rock. Dr. Grandy went to DVC, I’m dying to ask if he’s from the bay. Also i want to know what he’s a doctor of :) He teaches a great subject and he does it in such a way I would be shocked if somebody didn’t love his class. He plays keyboard to illustrate chord progressions, pitches, and other elements of music. He plays lots of great songs on the soundsystem, and oh man can he explain an odd-meter (simultaneously counting the beats while snapping his fingers to the music, he’s amazingly talented). I can see Ken doing a teaching gig like this man. I kind of see Ken in him too. I have a lot of knowledge in the content in his class, but I’m still learning new things, which is great. There are 115 people in his class, it’s all lecture and no homework thus far (aside from reading one chapter on the elements of music).

I thought college would be intimidating and awkward for me. I’m very rusty but I realized that I have an equal amount of book knowledge as these freshman straight out of highschool do. I just am not fresh on some of my knowledge. I also have an edge, I have life experience – a lot of it – on these kids. I don’t have a lot of the hang ups I used to when I was their age. I really don’t care about reading my work for the class like I used to, despite my uber fear of public speaking/stage fright I had when I was in highschool. I think working as a comapny trainer helped me get over my fear of talking to a group of strangers. I realize I can channel a lot of things when it comes to ideas for writing, I have a pretty open and informed mind now, and I also know what to expect in life and I know what is worth stressing about and what isn’t :)

I was just saying to Zoe, we came from an era of highschool where the “good writing” that teachers looked for really was shit. I mean we were taught this standard that was total boring garbage. Now we have the freedom to go to college (you should do it Zo!) and write about whatever interests us and is real human emotion and fuck the old way of doing things. As long as it’s coherent and has a point it can be good writing. It’s all about how you appeal to the audience :) More than coherent, at least sounding educated. If you don’t write an itroductory paragraph, 3 content paragraphs and a summary paragraph you won’t be fired out of a cannon into the sun. Long live writing classes for adults!

In other words, it’s all going to be okay. Very good, even. I like college and I’d like to think I’m going to do well :) Now tis time for bed for me, I get up in 8 hours for school :P

Much love to all!

Today went as smooth as I’d imagined it would. My two professors are both fun and I think both classes with be extremely informative. Quite possibly I will not want to leave my composition course, ever. Part of me wanted to run screaming from the classroom when I read my first essay due date is next Monday. Cripes, that’s soon! I have to write personal essay and choose one of two themes: Why I’m a Genius, or Why I’m an Idiot. Good luck. I have to write a prompt of 2-3 paragraphs that will give a glimpse of my first essay. I should write the whole damn now, but I’m doped on antihistamines that aren’t doing anything to help me feel better and most likely attribute to this new even more awful fuzzy head feeling. The more I think about what to write the more lame my ideas get. I have to just shut my brain off. I need sleep. Luckily, no classes tomorrow.

My history of Jazz & Rock professor is a ball of energy. A professional, humourous, talented Dr. (of music? I have to ask…) who has to keep 115 of us in the lecture hall entertained. I think it is going to go very well. He plays music recordings, has an electric piano which he’ll play to demonstrate a point, and paces all over while talking a mile a minute :D I think Ken would enjoy this class. It’s the complete opposite of my english class, lots of lecture, scantron multi choice tests, and concert going/reviewing. No long papers due, but also a big environment and no one on one interfacing.

I wish I wasn’t sick right now. I feel so shitty, and got virtually no sleep last night so I need to go to bed. I’m just chillin in E’s room waiting for him to go to sleep. If he feels bad again tonight I won’t get sleep again. Last night he came to our bed as I was just laying down, and barely slept all night. He had a fever and was stuffed up. I was the same except add coughing fits that would wake the dead(they were that bad). I don’t believe I have gone to bed this early in awhile. I might be asleep in a matter of 20 minutes, if I’m lucky.

Today I had the pleasure of discovering that Elliott not only knows the word “boobie” but is also able to reposition my shirt to illustrate to the world he knows where my boobies are.

I’m glad I wasn’t in public at that very moment.

I start college in 2 days. Man, that is so weird. It’s not that I ever thought I wasn’t capable of going to college, but I have always just gone with the flow and at this point in my life I really didn’t think I’d change my path. I could be a stay at home momma forever. I’d love to just have babies and spend all day dealing with poopie diapers, playing with trains and legos, and constant messy chaos. It took me until the Wednesday before the fall semester to even call around to inquire about local daycares. We qualify for child care assistance but the county/state does not have funding because the budget is all sorts of jacked in this state. Elliott doesn’t qualify for the head start day care on campus because we are not poor enough. We’re low income but still make enough money to get no help in a lot (but not the ones that really count!) of ways. I got financial aid and subsidized daycare, thats what counts now. D hates that we are “low income”. I know we’d qualify for WIC but he’d be mortified to use food vouchers. I know it has to stem from the common fear of many men that they aren’t good providers. He has nothing to be ashamed of, he makes good money considering our situation. We were young and clueless and racked up   debt-o-plenty. Without that debt, we’d be living comfortably. We’re not frivolous spenders anymore. I think if I didn’t owe on the credit cards we’d never have to borrow money for groceries from my mom, or pay bills late. We’d even maybe splurge and go out to dinner or buy a dvd once in awhile. We have netflix and WoW and that is the only thing we do for fun. Right now we have no WoW (just the lich king beta, cause thats freeeeeeeee).

Back to daycare. Elliott needs to play with kids his age. I called around and the 2nd place I reached sounded perfect. I checked on their citation/complaint record with the county and it was golden. The woman who runs it is licensed and contracts with the county head start. She has 3 employees(all family members) who help he and has up to 14 kids. When Elliott and I visited on thursday there were 10 little ones there. Immediately upon entering the back yard play area Elliott ran off to play and as far as he was concerned I was gone. I got a tour of the house and it was immediate love for the place. I am so excited for him, I hope he does well and has fun there :) I’m a bit worried he won’t know how to share or will bite or hit a kid or do something unlike him, but I think it’s going to be great. The cost for two days is sooooo cheap. I’m only paying 150$ a month for part time care. D will have Elliott on mondays while I’m in school to save money. They have healthy lunches, great playrooms, a set schdule, a big play yard, and the house was so clean. It is in town and on the way to school, and close to my mom in case of emergency. Mom even bought a booster car seat for her car so she can pick him up if need be.

I’m totally having those anxiety dreams where I try to find my classrooms and they’re not where they’resupposed to be, or I walk into a class i mistake for mine. It’s rather funny. I’m so excited to go to school, and for my kiddo to go to his “school”. I worry that as an older college student and way out of touch with the education process that I am not going to be competitive enough to get scholarships or awards or to excel past the kids who are fresh from highschool. I’ve dumbed down a bit over the years too. My english skills have gotten lazy. Rather, I have gotten lazy. My poor out of shape brain.

I’m still keeping an open mind about it all. Daniel has been a saint this week. He stayed home for 3 days on bereavement leave and basically cleaned the house so he could “get a jump start on helping [me] more around the house now that [i'm] back in school”. I’m really not grateful enough for having a husband like him. Ew, now that Rod Stewart song is in my head “Someone Like You”, lol.

Did I mention what Elliott learned at his Lita’s/Grandpa’s/Auntie’s house this past Sunday? Corine taught him how to say “Tatie” (he says it like “dah-dee”) which is french for “Aunt”. When Nancy came home from the hospice Corine and her and I were sitting at the patio table out back and I told his Lita what he said that was so awesome. I pointed to Corine and said “Elliott, who is this?” and his reply “BOO-BIE!”. I just about died.  Speaking of dying of hilarity, he likes to singa lot now. We sing “I know an old lady who swallowed a fly” but he only sings a few words of it. The best part we discovered on the drive back from Sac Sunday night.

Momma sings: I know and old lady who swallowed a fly,

I dunno why she swallowed a fly,

Perhaps she’ll-

Elliott: die!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, my son knows the word “die”. How lovely -_-

Boobie and die. Good vocabulary for an almost 3 year old. You can tell he spends a lot of time with me. I have that effect on my kid I guess.